Pre-Menopause Mayhem: Hormones, Heatwaves & Humanity Sucks

Sweet relief at 3am

 Welcome to pre-menopause—where your hormones throw tantrums, your sweat glands betray you, and everyone you know suddenly becomes insufferable. This isn’t a graceful glide into menopause; it’s a hormonal demolition derby. From mood swings that scare your pets to periods that ghost you like a bad ex, we break it all down with humor, honesty, and a dash of rage. Buckle up, it's about to get steamy—literally.

Welcome to the magical land of pre-menopause, where your hormones go full drama queen, your sweat glands work overtime, and everyone around you suddenly becomes as tolerable as a mosquito in a library. If you've ever cried over a fabric softener commercial or wanted to throat-punch someone for breathing too loudly—welcome, sister. You’ve arrived.

So, What Even Is Pre-Menopause?

Pre-menopause (also known as perimenopause, which sounds like a Harry Potter spell no one wants cast on them) is the phase before menopause where your ovaries start moonwalking off the job. It usually hits in your 40s, but it can show up earlier, uninvited, like your weird second cousin at Thanksgiving.

Your hormones—estrogen, progesterone, and the gang—start acting like they’re on a spin cycle, and you get the glorious privilege of guessing each day whether you’re feeling like Beyoncé or a confused raccoon.

Symptoms? Oh, we've got 'em:

Hot flashes: Like a spontaneous combustion simulator.

Night sweats: Your sheets now double as a Slip 'N Slide.

Mood swings: The emotional range of a Shakespearean tragedy—performed hourly.

Sleep problems: Why sleep when you can stare into the void at 3 a.m.?

Memory lapses: Why did you walk into the kitchen? No one knows. Least of all you.

Weight gain: Because your jeans clearly needed to betray you, too.

Dryness: Yep. There.

And periods? Oh, they’re freelancing now. One month it’s Niagara Falls, the next it’s radio silence. They’re like that toxic friend who disappears for months and then crashes your weekend with a suitcase of drama.

Why Does Everyone Around You Suddenly Suck?

Because they don’t get it. Your partner says, “You seem tense.” Your kids act like you’re their unpaid assistant. Your co-workers schedule 8 a.m. meetings like they have a death wish. And society? Still selling the idea that you should be aging gracefully, sipping herbal tea, and glowing like a Gwyneth Paltrow candle.

But here’s the truth: You’re glowing, all right. From the inside. Like a microwave burrito.

Everyone sucks because they expect you to keep functioning at 100% while your body is actively trying to burn itself from the inside out. It’s not you. It’s them.

Okay, So What Can You Actually Do (Besides Scream into a Pillow)?

1. Talk about it. Loudly. Normalize the chaos. Over-share. Ruin brunch.

2. Visit your doctor. There are options—HRT, supplements, wine (kidding… kinda).

3. Set boundaries. Say "no" like it's your side hustle.

4. Chill out—literally. Fans, cooling sprays, ice packs, freezer snacks... weaponize them.

5. Move, but gently. Think yoga or interpretive dance to angry 90s rock.

6. Laugh. If you don’t, you’ll cry. Or both. Same minute. Normal!

The Bottom Line

Pre-menopause is a hormonal haunted house—complete with surprises, jump scares, and the occasional emotional poltergeist. But it’s also a weirdly empowering chapter. You’ve earned your eye rolls. You’re done with the BS. You’re stepping into a new era—and maybe you’re a little sweaty doing it—but you’re doing it like a boss.

So yes, everyone sucks. But you? You’re freaking phenomenal.

And if someone dares to say, “You should smile more,” smile… and imagine tossing them into a hot flash with no fan.